Jokes Essay

This essay has a total of 4953 words and 19 pages.


jokes





You might be a redneck if...

1.You've ever put a dead snake in the road to watch cars stop and run over it several times.
2.Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
3.You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
4.You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
5.You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
6.The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
7.The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
8.Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
9.Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".
10.You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
11.You have barnyard animals living in your house.
12.Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
13.Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
14.Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
15.You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
16.You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
17.You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't
see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.
18.You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
19.You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.
20.You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
21.You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive
department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
22.You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
23.You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
24.You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
25.Your horse wears shoes, but you don't.
26.It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
27.You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
28.You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
29.Your dog is your alarm clock.
30.Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
31.You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
32.You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
33.You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
34.It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
35.You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about
the shirt and shoes law.
36.You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
37.You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.
38.You've ever shoplifted Spam.
39.You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
40.Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go
hungry.
41.You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
42.Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
43.You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.
44.You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
45.You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from
your front lawn.
46.Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
47.You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.
48.None of your zippers have all their teeth either.
49.You are driving the car you were conceived in.
50.You've ever used scissors on food.
51.You've ever re-used a paper plate.
52.Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you
could do about it.
53.When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about
Elvis or Richard Petty.
54.You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
55.You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
56.You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas
cap.
57.You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
58.You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
59.Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
60.You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
61.You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
62.You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
63.A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
64.You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
65.You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
66.You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
67.You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.
68.You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
69.You've ever slam-shifted a tractor.
70.You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb
tack.
71.The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
72.Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you
moved their outhouse back about four feet.
73.You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
74.You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
75.You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
76.On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
77.Your favorite NASCAR souvenir came from a wreck in turn 3.
78.You have shot more than 1 TV set.
79.You did not feel bad when Bambi's mother was killed. You have ever stopped traffic in order
to get a baseball cap off the road. Your preacher has to spit after every two sentences.
80.You have ever successfully talked your way out of a speeding ticket by arguing that your
vehicle is not capable of exceeding the speed limit.
81.Your parents don't eat together because they share one pair of dentures.
82.You think rasslin' is real and the Moon Landing was filmed in a desert.

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The Rest

You might be a redneck if...

1.Your car is worth less than its license plate.
2.More people know you by your CB handle than by your real name.
3.The first thing you do after your divorce is scrape your former wife's name off the bug shield
on your truck.
4.You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
5.You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.
6.You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
7.You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
8.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt
track race.
9.Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
10.You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.
11.The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the
woodshed."
12.You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
13.You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
14.Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
15.Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
16.Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
17.After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
18.You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
19.You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
20.The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
21.Your grandmother stands up to pee.
22.A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
23.You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
24.Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
25.In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!"
26.You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.
27.You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
28.You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
29.You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
30.You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
31.You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.
32.Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
33.One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
34.Your house has a kickstand.
35.You drive around a parking lot for fun.
36.Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
37.You have to duct tape your gloves on.
38.You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
39.Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
40.You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
41.Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
42.You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
43.You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
44.You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
45.You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
46.You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
47.You've ever been given a gun as a present.
48.Flannel is your favorite color.
49.You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
50.Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
51.The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
52.You have got more bumper stickers than children.
53.Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet
Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
54.You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it
belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
55.You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from
the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
56.Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.
57.Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.
58.You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of
the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with
said chicken.
59.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of
your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach
the paper on the shotgun shells.
60.Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.
61.One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.
62.The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big
enough to hurt them.
63.You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was
frozen to the roof.
64.You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
65.You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could
throw a rock and hit them.
66.You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
67.You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she
dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
68.Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
69.Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
70.You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
71.You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
72.You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't
come down your driveway to get it.
73.The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife....and wave to her.
74.Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them
Continues for 10 more pages >>




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