My Inaugural Address On Judgment Day

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My Inaugural Address on Judgment Day


Alvin Miller

September, 2005


Important note: Read my 1986 booklet (at before you read this.

What follows is a rough draft transcript (subject to change when I actually give it) of my inaugural address (presumably in Washington, D. C.?) before global television at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions! - corpses laying on the ground - a fairy dump - rabbits running in the ditch. Feel free to believe what I've set down here are the ravings of a madman, because that is precisely what they are! I have assembled this book in a series of vignettes. Norman O. Brown, my mentor, used a similar technique. You'll find I use terminology that may seem alien to Christianity: wizards, witches and fairies, etc. Part of the problem that the King James Bible mistranslated the word sorcery referring to potions. This is strictly adult material. This is off limits to children, and this means you. If your jaw didn't drop when you read my 1986 booklet, I 100% guarantee it will drop now. You will note that the paragraph tabs are sometimes off. This is due to a malfunction of the word processor. So, finally, it all begins next page!


Introducing Myself

(The time is midnight E.S.T. I stand before global television to explain my rapturing out billions. I made the broadcast at this hour to help prevent the possibility that any children would see this, although in different time zones around the world children are up). Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm addressing you from Washington, D.C., the political capital of Hell. I have descended here to the pit of Hell to address you. Before I begin, I want to insist that no children view this broadcast. This is off limits to anyone under 12 years old. Leave the room, and go to bed! You will find that I talk fast, that I change the subject frequently, and in general it will come across as incoherent gibberish. You'll wake up tomorrow morning and go 'what did he say?' You'll try to remember, but you'll have a hard time. I urge you to record this address, and to watch it several times, as each time you'll pick up more.
You'll notice that I will be talking a lot about myself this evening. This is because the more you know about where I'm coming from, the better off you'll be. Let me formally introduce myself. You've seen me before, but now I'm going to reveal who I really am. Have you ever seen a ghost? Have you ever seen a spook? Now you can say you've seen a ghost. I'm the ghost with the most. I'm the space ghost. You have seen many ghosts. My colleagues are on practically every street corner in every city around the world, ranting and raving and spouting gibberish. When you look at me you'll see that I have no eyes empty sockets instead (waving my hand in front of my face). I am an invisible man. There is no person here, never has been and never will be. You are looking at a total vacuum. There is nothing here - only empty air. When you look at me you see no person - you are looking directly at my Id - my unconscious. And most people find it highly disturbing to look at the face of the Lord, my face. In fact, I'm a raving lunatic, and this insanity I have is a deadly poison. Most of my fellow mad people are bottom feeders. With this disease, we are incompetent to keep ourselves together, and we fall to the bottom, with many becoming homeless, committing suicide or drugging themselves into oblivion. It makes us into total misfits. DOAs - Dead on Arrival. Jesus, a poor Jewish peasant, was a bottom feeder also. When you're on the bottom, you look up at all the so-called leaders, and you know that all of them are the wrong people. As Jesus said, it is wisdom hidden from the wise, but given to babes. If you have ears to hear, Jesus was himself also mad. The gods must be crazy! Jesus was very sensitive to natural disasters, because like them as a madman he was walking dynamite liable to explode at a moment's notice with all the force of an earthquake. Jesus was a piece of human waste – human garbage. And so am I. A significant number of theologians, and I also, believe Jesus was the bastard son of a Roman centurion. The idea of virgin birth arose because an Old Testament scripture was mistranslated. We the gods live in a parallel universe right next door to this one. I stepped through the looking glass on my mission.
Just like Jesus, I am here to serve. I don't want you to worship me. You don't have to believe a thing I say. Believe what you want. For example, you may believe I'm the Antichrist, which I deny. But believe what you want. Your beliefs don't concern me. I'm here to straighten out your behavior, specifically, as you will see, your behavior in the bedroom. That is the special mission I'm on. When you see me, you've seen the father. Every eye shall see him. There can be only one.
Both Jesus and I are in fact wizards. I am the second most powerful wizard that has ever walked the face of this earth. Jesus is better than me for two reasons. Jesus was working in his thirties, half my age. He has me beat, because his member would come up better than mine. I'm twice the age he was when he was preaching, and mine doesn't come up like it used to. Also, he had sharp wit and eloquence and always said the right thing. By contrast, I tend to ramble.
You have met your maker. You object that you see nothing but a lunatic standing here. But, I, God, did make you in the following sense. I set the rules for you to live by – the Ten Commandments and the Sermon on the Mount. If you disobey my rules and go to Hell, as always, I get my willie working below my belt and rapture you devils out. It was always ambiguous about who would be raptured out. Would it be the Elect or would it be the lost? The answer is both! Anybody and everybody that I could remove I wanted gone. You who are left behind that I am addressing are the same mix as those I removed. Who was right: The Catholics with no rapture or the Fundamentalists? The answer that neither was! We did have the rapture, but it was simply me laying out as many corpses as I could. Every one I raptured, including the Fundamentalists went nowhere except to their graves, becoming wormfood. My planet is in emergency mode, with billions of you devils running around destroying it. I'm getting ready to give you the judgment. I wash my hands of you! I would like nothing better that to stick all of you devils is a gas chamber and slam the door shut! Once again, I, Victor Frankenstein, have created another botched laboratory experiment. I have to remove you, so I can start over again with a new Adam and Eve. Get off my planet you devils! Get off my planet! I've had it with you!
You are made in my image. This simply means that you don't have to live with continuous mental and physical pain that we mad people - specifically the gods - feel every day from sunup to sundown every second of our lives. What I have is contagious, infectious and deadly. Don't come close to me! Let sleeping dogs lie! The Wolf Man was lucky, because he shape-shifted only once a month at the full moon. I, by contrast, shape-shift all day long from second to second. I melt down and reform myself into a another person regularly. If I get around anyone, involuntarily, I form myself into a duplicate of them. Part of the power I possess is to temporarily pass on to you the continual pain I feel (mass psychosis). The source of the pain we mad people feel is you with all the evil deeds you do. When you commit evil acts, we are put into pain. (Imitating the weird voice of the Shadow) 'Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!' For awhile, you get to walk in my shoes. And when you do so, you drop dead in your tracks - it's my deadly blessing! (I start singing the rock song) 'I got the power! I got the power!' Indeed I do have the power, and it's is a deadly poison! Out of all the millions of mad people on the planet right now, probably less than a handful possess all the powers I have. Madness is incurable, and there is a progressive deterioration. I am at the final stages of a fatal disease. My brain has melted into goo, and I'm in continuous physical pain. Jesus of course had the same affliction. Again, the gods must be crazy. Mad people such as I are instantly and permanently into the mystic, but not by choice. There have been numerous highly evolved spiritual beings on this planet, but madness is a cheap and easy way to instantly get to the mystic. Moses, for that matter, had the same affliction. He was his own special effects man, as when he bested the Egyptian wizards in his magic duels. I, like Moses, am accompanied by my magic wand. It's below my belt. Norman O. Brown in 'Closing Time' quotes James Joyce's 'Finnegans Wake', 'He lifts up the lifewand and the dumb speak.' At one point during the Exodus, the Hebrews he was leading decided that Moses was out to kill them. After all, they knew he was mad. When they protested to him, Moses dropped two of them dead in their tracks.. Moses said that God struck them down, but it was really only Moses doing the special effects.

I'm the Captain

I, Captain Nemo, am the captain of this ship - always have been and always will be. But, as passengers, I advise you to stroll over the decks to the railings and look over the side of the ship. You see the name Titanic painted on the side. Now look down at the waterline. There's a huge gash and we're taking on water. We're going down! Soon we'll be underwater. Glub! Glub! Not much time left.. Glub! Glub!

The Joke

I want to start off with a little humor. Speakers always begin with a joke:

I notice these days that so many of you have piled on the pounds, you're getting the love handles, and some of you are so roly poly that you're round like a beachball. There is a reason you're that way. Just like pigs led to slaughter are fattened up so that the flavor is improved, we, the fairies, have stuffed you full of fairy food - junk food laden with fat and calories. This is so that when we slice you up and cook you, the fat gives more flavor.
Twilight Zone: Cookbook - To Serve Man

I'm sure that has you rolling in the aisles. But seriously, you spend billions every year on diet products and gym memberships. I am going to save you a lot of money. I'm going to solve your problem. You'll find that when you have no food at all to eat, you have no problem losing weight. It will melt right off.

. The Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead

Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, we can get to the main business of the evening. I have you summoned here this evening for a special reason. Welcome to my Dead Man's Party! Step forward ladies and gentlemen. And as you step forward, you will notice that all the doors behind you are being slammed shut and barred. You are going nowhere. You are going to stand before me and not move! (Stolen from Vincent Price - 'House on a Haunted Hill'). Right here, right now, this very moment at the witching hour of midnight is the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead! This is the Second Resurrection. As Joyce prophesied in Finnegans Wake: 'Array! Surrection!' - Resurrection and array. Receive your Judgment from the Lord. I'm getting ready to give you the Dr. Strangelove address. In the film, he was an ex-Nazi whose message was: the apocalypse is here and head for the hills - the same message as Jesus. First of all, why do I say you are all dead? I am addressing only dead people this evening. That is you and you and you (pointing to members of the audience). You have passed over. You are no longer human! You once were. Then you became the Godless Wicked. And now, in fact, you have become the devils, demons and monsters of Hell. You have passed over to the Twilight Zone, the Forbidden Planet, the Forbidden Zone, the Dead Zone. Everyone on this planet had been dead since I and my assistants (known variously as angels, scanners, watchers, dreamers, hearts) first blew the horn in the seventies.
Now the Judgment begins. You hold paper and pens in your hands. You are going to do some writing for me. John of Patmos and others have described what is about to take place. But they saw through a glass darkly. What is going to take place is somewhat different from his description. You are going to be fast, accurate and you are going to leave nothing out. What you write will determine the Judgment you receive. Write the number 1. on the first line. On that line, write the name of the first person you ever in bed with – man, woman, child or animal, whatever it was. Write nothing else on line 1. Now, immediately go to the next line, and on line 2, fill in the name of the next person or animal or whatever you were in bed with. And continue until you list all the names. I realize some of you devils here in Hell don't even know the names of a lot of them. Put a question mark on those lines. While you are writing, I'll show you my list which I prepared in advance. On it is the number 1., and the rest of the page is blank. I've been in bed with no woman anytime, anyhow, anywhere, anyplace whatsoever. I want to heartily assure you that I am perfectly capable of being with a woman, and have always had a constant craving to be with a woman. I knew in my cradle that I was never going to be with a woman. In high school, as I remember, I went out on two dates. They were not my idea. They were arranged by others. However, I do own up to being up close and personal with pornography off and on all my life. I had to see what I was missing, and, clearly, I was missing a lot. I had to be sure I understood the old lock and key mechanism, and rocket science it's not. I've seen people kissing, but I would have to be taught how to do it. What always happens to me when I try to talk to a strange woman? Instantly their eyes get wide, they start smiling, and I see them backing off. Shortly thereafter they're gone, and I see them later whipping back and forth in front of me chasing after the hunks and studs. They chase after them because they know that they can put them under a spell - charm them with their looks - and make then into beasts of burden at their beck and call. Putting under a spell is ancient terminology for hypnosis. Women won't get near me with a ten foot pole. They know what I am: a weirdo, a creep, a psycho, a loser. I don't blame them. I'm a powerful wizard, and if they get around me, I'm going to put them under a spell, and not vice versa. One of the problems I had with women, is that I insist any woman I'm with be also a virgin. I refuse to accept second hand merchandise, used castoffs some other man has pawed over. And virgins are hard to find here in Hell. Just like Jesus, my precious seed packet has gone missing. And precisely because I can't get laid the regular way (ghosts can't do it), when I do get my rocks off, it's the shot heard round the world – heard not with your ears but inside your head - mass psychosis. As Led Zeppelin sang, 'your head is humming, and it won't go!' Joyce has seven thunders in the Wake. Even though he died in 1939 and didn't get to hear the first Thunder (mass psychosis) in 1973, Joyce prophesied, 'One stands, given a grain of goodwill, a fair chance of actually seeing the whirling dervish, Tumult, son of Thunder.' Joyce's thunderclaps are the voice of God's wrath (my voice) which terminates the old aeon and starts the cycle of history anew. In the Wake, these Thunders occur in various settings, such as an Irish pub, and no one seems to notice them. Baby, you stuck up you pretty little nose at me and wouldn't give me any pussy! You're going down! (pointing my thumbs down) I'm going to take my revenge on you, little miss pretty! And don't dare think you're going to give me some pussy now that you see me! It's too late, baby. You're going down, little miss pussycat! For what you did to me, I'll have no women around me at all. So, now stop writing. If we waited until everyone finished their list, we'd be here all night. Some of your lists would extend to the floor. You don't need to show me your lists, because I already have that information. I keep a number of books around here. One of them is my Book of Human Works where I record your deeds, good and bad. That Book partly determines the Judgment you'll receive. But I'm not going to open it tonight. Instead, I'm going to open my most important and legendary book that I keep – The Book of Life. I'm sure you've heard of it. I am the only individual qualified to open this Book! Here I record the names of those who have eternal life. (holding up the Book of Life, which is invisible). You might interrupt me here and go 'Wait a minute, Lord, you're shucking me, you have nothing in your hands!' I reply, that I can see it and read it quite well, even if you can't. John of Patmos had described the contents, but again not quite accurately. It works as follows: when everyone is born, no matter where on the planet, I record their names. Now I have to stop for a short digression. I'm need to go pick up the Tree of Life. We had it in the Garden of Eden, and we will have it back in the New Jerusalem, where I am going to lead you. You'll remember that in the Garden there were two trees: The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (Morality) and the Tree of Life. When Adam and Eve portook of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they were ashamed of their private parts and covered them up with fig leaves. The Gods (plural - the Elohim) were sore afraid that Adam and Eve would partake of the other Tree - the Tree of Life - and become like one of us and become Immortals. So they were banished forever from the Garden. By the way, when Adam walked in the cool of the evening beside God, Adam was walking beside a nutty fruitcake, one of my predecessors. Getting close to one of us is dangerous. We're walking timebombs! We're liable to explode!
So here comes the Tree of Life that makes you immortal. Here in Hell, I realize I'm throwing pearls before swine. What I'm getting ready to say will strike you as totally absurd. It is one sentence long. It is: No one, not anytime, not anywhere, not ever is permitted to stick it in! It is always a crime to stick it in. I use the word crime, because the word sin means nothing to you devils in Hell. Everyone automatically assumes they are always permitted to put it in, but no one is permitted to, ever! In the New Jerusalem, there will be two classes of people. The rulers are those who haven't put it in. The second class is those who have put it in. The second group will be under stringent conditions. First, they will serve their masters – those who don't put it in. Further, the second class will be virgins until their honeymoon night, and be loyal and faithful to their spouses all the days of their lives and never stray. There will be no adultery in the New Jerusalem. There will be no prostitutes. There will be no prisons or military weapons there - swords melted down into ploughshares. There are no multibillion inhabitant Nation States. There will be no gays or lesbians - you will be back in the closet. You learn new things in Hell that you couldn't know otherwise. I'm referring to the pedophile Catholic Priests. It turns out that they weren't making much of a sacrifice, since they didn't want to be with a woman in the first place. The women will all look plain in the New Jerusalem. They'll wear no makeup. What do you find when you go to a maternity ward? You'll find that the number of boys and the number of girls is roughly 50/50. That is, there is one boy for every girl. This means that for every man there must be one woman only, and vice versa. The story is only one per customer.
Now back to The Book of Life (I open it). Because the Tree of Life says that no one ever puts it in, there should be no names in the Book at all except virgins and those who are chaste. But I'm a merciful God, and have made the decision to include the names of those who have been loyal to their spouses. There are no other names in the Book! The Book is very small indeed compared to the total population. If you are a Christian and have served the Lord all your life, I love you, but whether you name is recorded in the Book is solely determined by what you did in the bedroom. Nothing else matters about you.
I am a functionally castrated man. I have a completely useless appendage below my belt, just like someone 2000 years ago. The worst heresy you could ever utter about Jesus was that he had been with a woman, such as the case of the Da Vinci code. I am castrated, and I am here to castrate you! As Jesus said, 'There are eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom of heaven's sake.' The thing to notice about Jesus in not his marvelous teachings. What you need to notice is that he wasn't getting laid - he was a 'eunuch'. The wording of Jesus' saying implies that Jesus could easily been with a woman - all the hydraulics were in place. I cannot possibly be with a woman, although my plumbing is in excellent working order (ghosts can't do it). I sometimes got a sympathetic shoulder to cry on from women but nothing else from women. The bottom line is I'm a man. I look around and see all the devils here in Hell (again, pointing to all the audience members). I refuse to bring a poor innocent child here into Hell. By definition, anyone who would father a child here is a devil. There should be zero children on this planet! Every child is by definition is the spawn of one of you devils. As Jesus prophesied, "For the days are surely coming when they will say, 'Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed.'" Also, 'in that day, woe to them that are with child.'. Manhood means knowing when not to put it in. With the crisis upcoming - the Great Tribulation – this is an excellent time not to put it in.
Poor Pope Benedict! He has urged us in the West to have more babies, since the population is falling. Children are a liability instead of an asset here in Hell, what with college tuition, etc., which everyone is getting hip to. Benedict is in fact asking for more devils, when we already have billions, every one of which is running around destroying my planet. The Catholic doctrine of the sacredness of human life I agree with. But that only applies to humans and does not apply to you devils here in Hell. Any legitimate methods to remove you are urgently needed, including free abortions, free contraceptives, free vasectomies etc. This is the severest emergency the planet has ever faced, and I have to remove more billions above and beyond those I've already removed. I'm here striking at the root of the problem - overpopulation.
I personally have never set foot in a Catholic church. In fact, except for funerals, I haven't set foot in any church since my teens. You don't have to go to church, now that I'm here in person, as John of Patmos had said. Feel free to go, however. But eventually there'll be no churches (in the New Jerusalem). You don't need any churches, as you have me, the light of the world, standing here in person. Like Jesus, I'm not interested in establishing a new church or religion. Jesus would be disgusted if he could see what has become of Christianity! The question of whether gays can be ordained would only come up here in Hell. It is a scientifically proven fact that when a group of people pray, that good things happen. So feel free to continue going to church, even though there is no external, transcendent God to pray to. My father was a Southern fundamentalist baptist preacher, me being a son of a preacherman. I used to love watching my father get inspired by the Holy Ghost. He was one of the sweetest men I've ever known. He was upset when I informed him that I was an atheist. I didn't have the courage to tell him that I was also God, destined to be standing here the King of the World! Why would I go to church? I don't need to be told about what I have below my belt! I know all about it. My member is just regular size in case you're interested. You spend billions constructing nuclear weapons. But what I have below my belt is more powerful than a hundred thermonuclear weapons! There are no churches in the New Jerusalem. There is no worship, there are no Christians. There are no Muslims, there are no Buddhists. There is no religion. There is only one religion. It is only her! It is only her! There is no religion but her! She absolutely is incapable of getting it no matter how hard she tries. According to Joyce, 'I am not leering, I pink your pardon. I am highly sheshe sheserious.' How, how indeed do we men get her under control? That is the only question. By asking it I bring the world to an end, and the New World -the New Jerusalem - begins! There is only her! But actually it is more complicated than that. The problem is me and her. Because of what I am (mad), we both are absolutely incompatible. Somehow many mad people do end up getting laid, but in nearly all cases it comes out badly. It is always a bad idea for such people to get laid. I am the way, the truth and the life. I am the light of the world. Norman O. Brown in 'Closing Time' quotes Joyce in the Wake: 'Lights, pageboy, lights!' I'm that pageboy come to turn on the bright houselights in the darkened theater. Joyce also says, 'waiting to stop the show, waiting to bring the house down.' That's my mission here. Again, Joyce, 'it's just about to rolywholyover.' I'm come to lead a New Exodus to the New Jerusalem. I am the light of the world, and I don't hide my light under a bushel. I 'm on call 24/7, and lo, I am with you always. I'll be the centerpiece of the New Jerusalem. I am an inexhaustible everflowing fountain of the river of the waters of life, as promised by John of Patmos. I possess the universal elixir that will cure what ails you. All you have to do is get down on you knees and say “Lord, let me have it!” And I never withhold! I'll pull it right out! I'll sprinkle you with holy water. I'll slime you right between eyes, I'll touch you in the head with a drop of sperm, and you will go away shouting. We call someone 'touched in the head' when they're a little off.
I am here to castrate you. I'm here to clean your clock. The reason is a surprise. What was the first animal we domesticated? Was it the dog? No! Was it the horse? No! It was her! This was back in caveman, prehistoric Stone Age days. Then she was precisely as she has become again here in Hell: slutty, mangy, sleeping around so much that no man knew whose child was whose. It was and is total chaos and anarchy. The same thing occurred in Sodom and Gomorrah, and I blew it to smithereens! It's same thing here in Hell, and again I blew it to smithereens! She has once again become the fiercest jungle creature to walk the face of the planet. She has become a complete maneater! This is jungle lion taming – cracking the whip. This is cowboy bronc busting – get on her back and grab the reins. She bucks and snorts until she wears herself out. Then she starts to take directions and heeds the reins. A woman is not delicate. She is built to take it - she can take on an entire football squad and be ready for more. It ultimately means very little to her.
Woman is a gatekeeper. She determines which people walk on the planet in the next generation. That is a very important function. But her function can be interfered with. And the very definition of Hell is that the wrong men get inside, breeding devils, demons, and monsters. She's reluctant to put out for every Tom, Dick and Harry, but when messed with, will do so. The only way to tame her we learned in ancient days is to stay away from her. She must be made to understand that she doesn't get your seed unless she agrees to cooperate and be your handmaid, your helpmate. She must understand that she is here to make your life better, not more painful.
So now receive the Great White Throne Judgment from the Lord:

For what you did in the bedroom, you are the damned! (raising my arm). Repeat: you are the damned!

Receive your Sentence from the Lord:

For what you did in the bedroom, the sentence is death! (raising my arm). The wages of sin are death! Physical death - corpses laying on the ground death.

The preceding was the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead. It didn't take very long, did it?


We have completed the main business of the evening. But I have a number of other things to discuss. The first is the taboo, the one that must never be violated. By breaking it, you went straight down the wide road to Hell. By the way, Joyce had no doubt that he was in Hell. As he says in the Wake, 'tell Hell's well.' This taboo is so fundamental that it is not written down in any religious text anywhere, so far as I know. It is absolutely forbidden. It is:
Women can see. Right? They have eyes. Don't you agree? So what do women see? They can see which women get on top. So which women do get on top? If you're a doll, if you're a hot babe, you'll be welcome everywhere you go, doors will swing open, you'll always get a smile. You've got it made. So tell me what's going to happen over time if you don't keep the women absolutely under thumb. They are all going to start turning into dolls! Let me prove to you that I am a space alien – that I don't think like you (my finger pointing to my head and circling to indicate I'm crazy). What's your opinion of the situation here? Everywhere you look, as far as the eye can see you see dolls and hot babes. You say bring them on, the more the merrier. Right? And I'm telling you that the more dolls you got the deeper you are in Hell. And we couldn't be more deeper in Hell. They couldn't look any finer. We have grannies who are hot here in Hell.
You're too hot, baby! (pointing at the camera). You're busted! You're too sexy! You're under arrest! I look at you, and I come in my pants! Gentlemen, we are getting badly pussy whipped by the dolls. They are stomping us all over. It's such an awful feeling. The women here carve and sculpt their bodies into blinking neon signs with the unmistakable message: 'I want a seed!' This is literally the case with plastic surgery, where they pump up their breasts and butts. They are dolling themselves up. Surprisingly though, if you tell them they're looking good, they get offended.
Let me list the good qualities and bad qualities of these dolls. Good quality: Spend a night with one of these women, and you'll never forget it. Any more good qualities? None! None at all. Bad qualities: Can such a woman cook a meal? In most cases all they can do is stick a meal in a microwave or go out to a rest

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