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You died on Good Friday and weíre not sure why or even how. There was no pain on your face; you were staring up at the ceiling. You looked death in the eye, full of confidence. You were brave enough to look and see where you were going Nana. Who met you? What did you see? Was there a bright light? Or was it a tunnel? Was there hands out stretched to you? Or was Uncle Billy there to help you through?
Your bedroom still feels nice, like nothing bad has happened inside. It smelt like you for quite awhile afterwards but now the smell has gone, as has your presence. You dip the lights and make candles flitter, Iím even sure you pulled the leaves down on the pot plant to show me you were there. Thank you Nana, you are such a strong soul, so much stronger than I ever thought about before.
I miss you so much and Iím often in denial that youíre gone. Itís so hard to accept and I feel robbed. I feel like you were robbed too. You were such a beautiful little thing. You were so full of love and energy. I am ashamed that I didnít do more to soften what you had to bare. You told me that you were frightened the last time I saw you but I was too selfish to stay and comfort you. Life got in the way as it always did and I thought Iíd have more time with you later. Time to do the things I spent hours thinking about. If only I had actioned more. We wanted to take you to the health spa and I wanted to come over and make you dinner again. I even wanted to live with you once Poppa was gone. I would have, could have looked after you well. You were so little and an absolute pleasure. I loved you so unconditionally and there is nothing I wouldnít have done for if you had asked. The trouble was you never did ask, for anything at all. Iím sure thatís why you died because you gave so much and took nothing for yourself. You gave everything you had to give and your little body fell, tired in a heap. You had nothing left to give and there was no pleasure in your life anymore.
Mum and Aunty Brenda tried to make you happy but what you had to carry was so heavy. You couldnít cope with a sick man in a wheel chair and how he regrets you letting him stay at home. He feels like he killed you but he didnít Nana, life did. I wish I could have foreseen what was going to happen Nana that you were going to go first. You werenít sick, there was nothing wrong with you. You just died all of a sudden in you bed, alone. I wish I could have told you that I love you one last time or given you a kiss good bye Nana. You were robbed Nana, it should have been my darling Poppa to go first, he has been sick for such a long time. You deserved to have some fun; we could have had such a good time. Now youíre dead and it hurts so much that youíre not here. Iím not sure where you are but every inch of me hopes that youíre not just gone. I hope youíre somewhere safe and warm and that I will get to cuddle you and tell you I love you again.
Iím so sorry if I failed you Nana that I didnít try hard enough to make your life easier and give you more time. I hope you understand that Iím twenty-five and thoughtless, I will regret it till the day I die. I miss you so much, so fucking much. Good bye my darling little Nana.
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